Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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