my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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