if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
