I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
