Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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