he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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