worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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