apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In other news, I just burned my penis
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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