4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
