Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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