I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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