youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
