the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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