I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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