Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
