new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
