He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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