wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
