So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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