Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
