Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
