Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
