oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
