Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
jump out the window naked night went bad
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