There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
