now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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