There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
