I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i will never coherently bang her
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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