you told grandpa to call you daddy
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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