I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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