Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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