Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
