you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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