We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
