I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
