I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
