I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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