We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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