he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
