Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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