I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
