dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
