he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
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Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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