U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
