i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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