So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
