If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
