Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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