I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
