May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
