i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
