drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
