you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
