I seem to have left my pride at pride
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She told me I should be a condom model.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
