Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
