I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
