The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
