final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Randomize
