I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
