I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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