Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
