Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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